


I won't make assumptions

by Nilo_cfb



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mention of alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28935426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nilo_cfb/pseuds/Nilo_cfb
Summary: He finally spoke. “I can’t find a way to say it, so I’m gonna ask you this: Do you have something to tell me?”“Me? No.”“Anything bothering you tonight?”While it sounded like he knew exactly what had bothered me, it simply couldn’t be, so my thoughts wandered to try and find something else to say. Something that wasn’t as compromising.
Relationships: Luke Skywalker/Han Solo
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	I won't make assumptions

**Author's Note:**

> This story is the result of me wanting to write again, after years, but not knowing where to start. So my friend and I decided to give eachother prompts to start somewhere, and hers was this T. Swift lyrics: Long limbs and frozen swims, you'd always go past where our feet could touch. I decided to add another reference to her music (from Betty), which is also in the title.  
> This is also my first time writing in english!

The room was dark and full of people, a band was playing something up-beat, something fun and loud. I didn’t know exactly why I was there, I only knew it was a marriage party. Whose marriage, I couldn’t say.  
I was so detached from everything, so numb, that I just didn’t care enough to simply ask. But I was there, surrounded by happy faces, and I had to make the best of it. Even though I felt something was missing in my life, even though I hadn’t felt truly happy for weeks, at that point.   
My sister, who had brought me there, was in the middle of the large room, dancing. Her white dress changed colour every time one of the soft rainbow lights hit it, and her simple jewels were shining, brightening up her face and her big smile.  
On such a joyful occasion, I almost annoyed myself by being so gloomy, but I couldn’t help it. I was out of place, lonely. As I was looking around to try and guess who the newly married couple was, I caught myself looking for another friendly face and when I saw him and my heart felt just a tiny bit lighter, I turned around to avoid making eye contact with him.  
I went for a drink instead. The bar counter was placed in the farthest corner from the dance floor, so it seemed like a good option to distance myself from the crowd and clear my mind. Plus, I was thirsty, so I sat on a stool, ordered a drink and waited, staring at the wall.  
A huge sheet just in front of me read “Congratulations Kila and Tren”. Well, at least I knew whose party I was at, not that the names gave me any other sort of information about them. They sure were rich though, because their house was practically a palace.  
The barman gave me my drink and, sipping on it, I started thinking of him, Han. I was so jealous of him! He had all the attention and the unconditional affection and sympathy from everyone he met. He had a spaceship, friends. And most importantly, he always knew what his life would be, because he created it for himself! Who was I, compared to him? This life was new to me, I only knew how to work the fields on Tatooine and, while I always hoped for more, I never really had any other experience before… all that. But, well, on one thing I was wrong: he wasn’t loved by everyone. He could, in fact, be a real jerk, but he didn’t care too much, because he could be a true friend to those who deserved or needed it, and that was enough for him. But somehow people were still attracted to him. Many of those wanted him for the night, and the others – like me – only wanted his company, because he elevated you. I couldn’t say it any other way. He had a way of pulling you into his life and making you feel like family, important, deserving of comfort but also of a cutting remark every now and then.  
He was my only real friend, and I had learnt a lot from him. So why did I avoid his glance before going to the bar? Why did I feel like it would be wrong to look at him there, when I woulnd’t have any problem in other situations?  
A deep part of my mind suggested it was because I was so sad and distant, and he looked comfortable, in his element, radiant. We would have clashed, right? I would have ruined his mood, every guest looking at him in that moment, would have looked at me and I didn’t want that! I was miserable!  
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Luke. It doesn’t make any sense. And why am I so miserable, anyway?  
I decided that no, it didn’t in fact make sense, but I was tired and ready to stop thinking about it.  
After all, everything had changed so much for me, so quickly. It was only natural feeling that way from time to time.  
With this last thought still circulating my brain, I put down the empty glass, got up and turned around, forcing myself to stop being so annoying. My sister would have noticed my absence soon, so it was better to go, find someone to dance with for a few minutes at least and then sit down somewhere close to the dance floor.  
I thanked the barman and dodged a drunk couple staggering towards me.  
“Hey there, Lukey!” one of them said, loosely waving at me.  
He knew my name, but I didn’t know his.  
“Tren?”, I asked, uncertain.  
“Huh?”  
Okay, so he wasn’t the spouse. The man seemed to forget our brief conversation soon enough, because he immediately started making out with the other person, so I walked away.  
Everyone found it so easy, expressing themselves and their affections, but not me.  
Oh, shut up, Luke. Just go and dance a little, or you’ll make your sister worry.  
So I kept on going and I accidentally stepped on a few feet, making myself space through the thick crowd jumping around following the music that sounded louder and louder with each song.  
And then I saw them.  
Leia was standing still, her hands by her sides. Han stood in front of her, their foreheads touching, his arms around her back. I stopped a few steps from them and the people dancing between us blocked my vision for a couple instants, to then open up and leave me with the view of them kissing softly on the lips. And just like that I collapsed. Literally, I tried to walk backwards, stumbled on someone’s legs and I fell to the floor.  
A woman offered me help, but I quickly got up on my own and ran away. After only two or three turns, I found myself lost in that big house. I was looking for the main staircase, that would have let me downstairs, into the hall and then outside, where the Falcon was waiting for us. I couldn’t see it anywhere, so I went for a balcony instead.  
Once I was there, I finally stopped to think. Why did I have that reaction and what was the nausea that filled my body for?  
The fresh air was tickling my cheeks.  
I hid my face in my hands for a moment, then I passed my fingers through my hair to get it off of my eyes, and with a sigh I leaned on the balustrade to look over into the night.  
Beside the pool in the garden under the balcony, connected to it through a narrow metal staircase, a few distant dim lights were all I could see. Of the Falcon, not a sight.  
Another sigh left my mouth. I would have preferred to be inside the ship with Chewbacca, playing a game or something, but this balcony was all I had and I didn’t intend on going back inside soon.  
The memory of Leia and Han kissing surfaced in my mind, and another wave of nausea hit my stomach and throat.  
My sister had never said anything about fancying Han, but of course that wasn’t the reason of my unease. She could do whatever she wanted with whoever she liked, I sure didn’t have to protect her or tell her what to do. I just never thought…  
Why did Han never say a word about it?  
Sure, he made a couple jokes along the way, but I always thought it was fake flirting. Is that even a thing, fake flirting? Now that I was giving it a thought, it sounded like bullshit. Of course it was real flirting, but for whatever strange reason, it had always sounded just a little bit false.  
My mind focused for a little too long on how good he was looking that night, spying on him through my memories. Inevitably, the memory of their kiss surfaced again not too long after and that’s where it hit me. I was jealous of Leia, because I wasn’t any different from the majority of the people that met Han: I was actually attracted to him.  
All I felt in those past few weeks started to make sense; the detachment from reality was to protect myself from feeling more. It finally had a name and it was simple and crude jealousy.  
Well, that sucked.  
Part of me was calling myself names for how stupid I had been. When did I start having feelings for him and why didn’t I realize it immediately? Was it before or after I started noticing that “fake” flirting? Fake, my ass. Wishful thinking, that’s what it was!  
“Oh, fuck off” I said out loud to no one but myself as I let out a third sigh.  
In that moment the glass door behind me slid open and someone came out. Before I could turn around a have a look, a big hand smacked my shoulder.  
“How you doing, kid?” he said  
It was Han. Of course, of all the people at the party, him. Just as I was trying to figure things out.  
“Um, good. It’s warm.”  
“Yeah, yeah.” He stood beside me, hands on his hips, his blue suit looked almost black in the dark of the night. My mouth was shut closed, waiting for him to tell me about the kiss, but he didn’t say anything, so we stayed like that for what felt like hours. He was looking up at the stars, I was waiting, breathing slowly.  
When I took a quick glance at him, to try and read his face, I saw something really beautiful and I wondered how many times my eyes saw that beauty and my subconscious didn’t realize.   
“So, kid”, he began, his eyes still stuck on the stars. “listen, I won’t make assumptions about why you diched the party but” – he clicked his tongue – “I think It’s cause of me.”  
I stood there, frozen, with my hands on the cold granite of the railing, thinking that he had kind of made an assumption. Not that his contradiction was the detail I should have focused on.  
He continued, “Am I wrong?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I dunno. You saw me, you walked away. You saw me again, with Leia, you ran away. If it’s about your sister, listen I didn’t –“  
“No”, I cut him “No, you’re good. It’s okay. She can… you know. She’s free to…”  
“Okay”  
“You don’t have to explain anything.”  
“Okay” he said again.  
My heart was racing and, if I could, I would have jumped right into the pool under my feet, but I felt like maybe that wouldn’t have been the best coping mechanism.  
We stayed silent. Again. He lowered his gaze to the garden and stroking an eye with his hand, he finally broke the silence.  
“That’s not what I wanted to say, though.”

What else was there to say, Han? What could you possibly mean, if not that?, I thought. I just wanted to be left alone, and at the same time I was mentally begging him to stay for as long as possible.  
When he made sure I wasn’t going to reply, he turned his whole body to face me and leaned on his side. His forearm laid on the granite, his hand dangerously close to mine. I didn’t dare looking at him, my eyes were fixated on the pool underneath.  
He scratched his temple, ruffled his hair and fixed his jacket. He took his time, while I was trying not to give away my nervousness, to breathe normally and, mostly, trying to control the nausea.  
He finally spoke. “I can’t find a way to say it, so I’m gonna ask you this: Do you have something to tell me?”  
“Me? No.”  
“Anything bothering you tonight?”  
While it sounded like he knew exactly what had bothered me, it simply couldn’t be, so my thoughts wandered to try and find something else to say. Something that wasn’t as compromising.  
“Earlier, at the bar, I had the impression that a guy knew who I was, but I didn’t recognize him. Well, it’s surely more than an impression. He knew my name. He called me Lukey.” I said that last word with a hint of annoyance in my voice. It sounded like a pet name. No reason for that man to call me that.  
“Ah, that was… I think he was a friend of mine. I had talked to him shortly prior your encounter.” While he talked, he raised a hand to fix the collar of my jacked, just like he had done to his. I felt myself blushing but I tried not to think about it. He probably realized, because he quickly put his hand in his pocket and diverted his look.  
“And you called me Lukey?” I said, finally looking at him. Slight confusion was now my main feeling.  
“Yeah, only once!” Now he was the one who looked uncomfortable. Quite a rare sight. “It slid out of me, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”  
In an instant I realized that yes, pet names always made me feel smaller, weaker – with the force and in my private life – but they weren’t so tragic if they came from Han’s mouth. The most confident part of me doubted that he truly only said it once, since his drunk friend had the chance to assimilate it and then repeat it, but I shushed that part and I smiled at him. “It’s okay”.  
Good, that subject was over. Now what?  
Wait, was it?  
“What did you want to say, Han?  
“Nothing, kid. Just wanted to see if you were okay.”  
“But you said you couldn’t find a way to say it. What is it?” I knew it was better to leave it, something was telling me I shouldn’t have investigated any further, but my curiosity got the best of me.  
“Okay, you asked for it” he said harshly. “What do you want from me? What is it that you’re looking for, when you stare at me?  
“I – I don’t…” was all I could say in that moment.  
“You can’t deny it, Luke. You do, and it’s honestly concerning, sometimes.”  
“Han, I…”  
“No, you let me finish now. You fell when you saw me and Leia kissing. Fell to the ground. What the fuck was that? That’s why I asked you if there was something I should know, because sometimes you act like- sometimes you look like a fucking…” and he stopped, just like that, leaving an invisible insult floating in the air between us.  
“What, Han?” I was baffled by the sudden change in his voice and his body language. Now he looked colder and harder than the granite under my fingers. I was furious.  
When he didn’t reply, looking at me from under his frowned eyebrows, his mouth closed shut and his jaw muscles contracted, I decided it was time for me to go away.  
“Go to hell”, I spit looking up, directly into his dark eyes. And then I walked away using the staircase to the garden, still avoiding the crowd and the loud music inside the house. Halfway down I heard someone else’s steps following me. Knowing it was him, I shouted again.  
“I said go to hell. Leave me alone.” So he did. He stopped, got back on the balcony and disappeared behind the glass door.

The pool was exceptionally large, even for a house that big. The water inside looked almost fake, lit up by a hundred blue LED lights on the deep floor. I sat on the ground, cold and humid. My back to the party, head full of rage. I only wanted to look at the dark nothingness in front of me, over the pool, the garden and the house’s fence. Maybe the night and the brisk air could work a little magic and calm me down.  
But time passed and I was still upset. Anger, disappointment and embarrassment were now a constant triad in my heart. I couldn’t stop thinking of his face when the disgust he felt was clear as day. Disgust for me. For what I felt.  
Maybe he wasn’t the friend that I thought he was. Maybe I didn’t know him at all and all that time I was deluding myself. He was just pretending and I had fallen for it.   
Even after what I had just experienced, I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. He had never given any sign of feeling that way towards gay people. Something was off.  
Ah, right. I spent so much energy and time worrying about Han that I hadn’t even thought of me. I never truly cared about my sexuality before – quite useless when romance has never come remotely close to you – but honestly, the realization that I was gay wasn’t really a shock to me. Well, gay or bi. Still had to figure that one out.  
By concentrating on me, my heart pace and my breath returned to normal. I was starting to feel peaceful. Han was momentarily out of my mind.  
But then she came.  
Leia stormed outside, and before I could turn and check who was walking down the stairs, making it slightly tremble with a metallic whine, she was behind me.  
“Can you explain what the hell just happened?”  
When I looked at her, my eyes were blinded by the bright lights behind her, so it took me a few seconds to realize she had cried. Her cheeks were red and wet and her mascara was smudged at the corners of her eyes.  
I pretended I didn’t notice.  
“Me?” I shouted, “what did I do?”  
“Why didn’t you ever tell me you had feelings for Han?”   
“Oh, is that what he told you??”  
“Why didn’t you?”  
“Because I didn’t know!” I cried, louder.  
A few seconds passed and all she was doing was staring at me, an unreadable expression on her face. I turned back to the pool, already exhausted.  
After a minute of feeling her eyes locked on me, she moved and I heard a sound of plastic sliding on the tiles. She placed a chair right next to me, dangerously close to the pool’s edge.  
“I know he didn’t mean to tell you that.” she sighed.  
“And he sent you to feel sorry for me? Where is he? He almost called me-”  
“I know”, she interrupted me. “And he shouldn’t have, but-”  
“No. If he wants to say something, he comes down here and does so. Or he never speaks to me again, I’m fine with that. I’ll just go my own way. Then you two can be happy.”  
“Luke, if you just let me finish…” she placed a hand on my shoulder and her warmth and delicacy made me finally turn and look at her.  
“What?” I asked.  
“Han does not want me.”  
I stared at her in silence, my hand tilted in confusion. “But I saw you two kissing.”  
“Yes” She got up, moved the chair and set on the floor with me. “Yes, but it doesn’t matter. He thought he should have done that. He thought I wanted that.”  
“Didn’t you?”  
“Yes and no.”  
“Why did you cry, then?” When she looked away, embarrassed, I smiled. “Yeah, I can see that.”  
The tiniest smile popped on her face, too. “Ah, it’s complicated. He’s lovely but his personality is way too similar to mine. He’s exciting and wild. We would be exciting and wild together for a while, and then we’d hurt each other, somehow. I know it.” She shrugged. “That’s why I cried. I only came to this realization tonight, after he kissed me. After he looked like he had made the biggest mistake of his life and walked away, to find you.”  
I couldn’t say lovely was the right adjective to describe Han, but their relationship was very sweet, somehow, so I kind of knew what she meant. “But don’t you love him?”  
“No. I wanted to, but no. Do you?”  
I took a moment to considerate everything that happened in the last hour.  
“I’m finding out today about my feelings, Leia. I can’t call it love, but it’s strong.” I scratched my head and I let my hair fall forwards as I relaxed my neck muscles to rest my face into my hands. “Whatever it is – or was – has to be over as soon as possible.” I spoke through my fingers.  
“Don’t you listen to me when I talk? He didn’t want to kiss me. He came looking for you, Luke!”  
“And??”  
“And… I guess it’s not my place to tell.”  
My head jumped right up. “Oh, come on!” I was exasperated. How long before I could finally put this night behind me and never think of it again?  
“Sorry. You said it yourself, if he wants to talk, he should come down and talk. He’s a big boy, he can do it.”  
I scoffed. She got up, stroked my head one time and walked away.  
“Where are you going?”  
“Sorry, Luke. It’s been an eventful night and I need to drink a little more and dance with my friends. It’s a wedding, after all!”  
Yes, drinking too much wasn’t really my thing, but that night, given the circumstances, I would have gladly fallen into a whole tub of alcohol.  
I took off my shoes and pulled up my trousers to immerge my feet into the water up to the knee. My back was now resting on the floor and the breeze was moving my hair. I couldn’t say when, but I fell asleep. When I woke up, I wasn’t alone.

“Hi, kid.” Han smiled. He was sitting in the same spot Leia had been, earlier. His legs were crossed, his whole body facing me. I pulled myself up. How long had he been there?  
“Sorry I woke you up. I just sat down” he said, as if he had heard my question. “Listen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”  
“No, you listen to me, Han.” My voice coming out as clear and hard as I wanted, finally. “You came to me, assumed a bunch of things and then treated me like trash. And it doesn’t matter whether what you assumed was correct or not, because that’s not how you treat family. I mean, friends. Whatever.” I was trying to sound and look credible, even with my feet floating in the water and my face so close to his. “I wish I could say that wasn’t like you, Han, but I would be wrong. That was exactly like you. You simply don’t care about anyone and I should have known sooner.”  
Ouch. That wasn’t completely true. I wasn’t actually expecting all that because, if not “lovely”, he had always been a true friend.  
“I’m so sorry”, he whispered. “I wish I could explain.”  
“Try.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his excuses, but the weakest part of me was starting to feel sorry for him, because he looked truly heartbroken.  
“I – When I kissed Leia, it didn’t feel right. I mean, it was nice, but it wasn’t what… my heart… wants? Ugh, I hate myself for phrasing it like that.”  
“Go on.”  
“Well, I didn’t know I was allowed to feel any different. She’s this beautiful girl in my life and I felt like – well, I still feel like that – like it was expected of me to love her. And I guess I was trying so hard not to disappoint that expectation. I tried to fit in it without realizing that what I feel for Leia is not that kind of love.” He was speaking faster than usual and was looking at his hands in his lap.   
“Okay, doesn’t take away the fact that you screamed and insulted me!”  
“I know! But, Luke, I wasn’t trying to insult you! I mean, yes, but… it was directed at me. All of that.”  
I tried to understand him and put two and two together. He was saying he felt exactly like me, right? I wasn’t getting it wrong. That’s what he meant.  
I tried to soften myself and I found it way easier than anticipated.  
“You can feel whatever you want towards whoever you want. I thought you knew. You’ve never said anything about Lando and his… lovers.”  
I pulled up my feet from the water; the night was starting to get really cold. I couldn’t say if the shivers running down my back were caused by that or the agitation.  
Han let out a loud sigh. “I know, but it’s different with Lando.”   
“How so?”  
“Because I’m not in love with h-” Oh. “I hate this.” He said, turning his face away to hide it in his hand. When he looked back at me I could clearly see he was more nervous than what he was supposed to be showing and I took my gaze elsewhere. His hands were now clenched on his knees. With a finger I tried to touch them and, to my surprised, he looked down and moved a finger, too. Now that they were intertwined, I looked back up and my body involuntarily moved a few inches towards him.  
That’s when he did it. With his free hand, he grabbed my neck and pulled me to him. His lips touched mine before I could process what was happening.  
We both took a deep breath before he kissed me again, roughly. Like he was hungry for me, like he had been waiting a long time to do so. My mind was blank, not a single coherent thought was forming in my head. Somehow, I knew what to do. It wasn’t as hard as I thought. Contrarily, it was all very natural. It was natural when we both gasped for air at the same time. Natural when I switched positions, got on my knees and let my body weight fall onto him. Still natural when he was on his back and I was upon him, my knees next to his hips.   
His hand was still resting on my neck and his thumb was stroking my jaw. I had never felt that light and carefree in my whole life.  
When I stopped to look at him, he asked me if I was okay.  
“Okay?” I laughed. “Yes. Yes, I’m very okay!” and he smiled.  
He then jerked his head at the pool. “What do you think?”  
“What?”  
He gently moved me off of him and he got up, unbuttoning his shirt. He took off his jacked and shirt, and, unzipping his trousers, he grinned and simply said: “The pool!”  
“What!” I asked again.  
Instead of replying, he jumped into the water and swam to the middle of it. When he emerged, he shouted: “It’s perfect!”  
“I’m sure it is!” I shouted back, laughing, knowing full well the water was freezing.  
“Come on, kid!” Han pushed his head in the water once again and swam rapidly towards me. By the time he was at the pool’s edge, I was ready to jump in with him. “You got to stop calling me kid.”  
“Why?” and he splashed me.  
As anticipated, the water was so cold I immediately got goosebumps all over my body, but when I got in, Han trapped me in his arms and I felt a little warmer. This time I kissed him, but before I got to his lips, I kissed his shoulder and his neck.  
“I like where your mind’s at.” He smirked.  
I pushed him away and submerged myself, deciding to swim to the other side of the pool. Part of it was me playing, the other part was because I needed to keep myself warm.  
I was barely at the middle when Han caught up with me, even though he gave me a head start.  
“I got you, I got you!” he said loudly, as I was struggling to free myself from his grasp. We played fighting until we were both too tired to continue and he once again pulled me into a hug.  
“Take a deep breath, Lukey!” he grinned. I rolled my eyes at the pet name, but I abided. Han pulled us both underwater and, when I started to work with him, we reached a depth where the only visible lights were the blue ones on the floor. The big house had disappeared. We looked at each other through the small air bubbles we were letting out and we kissed again, pressing our lips together.  
When we couldn’t hold our breath any longer, we let the water push us up and we gasped for air, laughing and coughing.  
“What do you think of going back to the party?” he asked.  
“You made me get all wet and now you want me to get back inside?” I asked. The idea of going back, now that I wasn’t as sad and inconsolable as I had been before, was actually not so bad.  
We got out of the water and got dressed. Our clothes became rapidly wet and we ran inside the house to get warm.  
Han closed the balcony door behind us and I looked at him, not believing what had happened. I felt like grabbing his hand when we entered the big room where most of the crowd was, but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, pushing him to be seen with a man when he didn’t feel safe to do so. And so I did nothing, but when we stopped at the entrance to try and spot Leia, he touched my hand with his finger again. In that moment, it was enough.  
Leia saw us before we could find her and she walked to us. When we locked eyes on each other, she stopped walking and stared us both from head to toe, shocked. Our hair were dripping and our clothes were sticking to our bodies. We could have really used a towel.   
I was waiting for a reaction from her, expecting something somehow negative.  
Leia smiled at me and she got closer. She took my hand for a moment, still smiling. When she looked at Han, their faces were talking for them. They were both a little embarrassed, but she was clearly happy for us, and they were saying “it’s okay” to the other one. He pulled her closer and placed a soft kiss on her head.  
Now the party looked like it was waiting for us, on the dance floor there was an empty spot just the right size for us three.


End file.
